How to Get Over a Breakup & Deal with Breakup Pain

You desperately want to know how to deal with breakup pain and work through getting over your breakup, and I want to help you!  

The pain you’re experiencing right now can be absolutely devastating and feel like it will never end.  If you let it, the pain can become overwhelming and take over your life.  And if it continues to grow, it can begin to define you, however, there is a way to end this cycle of pain, and it begins by pressing pause.

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But pressing pause on pain is not just about a moment in time, it’s a process – a journey of healing, and the way you’ll get through it is by moving forward each day, step by step.  As you go through this process, you’ll find that each day, as you work through the pain and the reasons you’re feeling it, you will find that you’re growing stronger than you were before.  

And soon, as you continue to let your healing continue and your strength grow, you will be defined by your moments of strength instead of your moments of weakness. 

Why I Want to Help You Get Over Your Breakup

A couple of years ago, I started this blog to help women get through their breakups.  Although I’ve been married for several years now, the breakups I experienced while dating had a huge impact on my life — not just in my relationship with men but in my relationship with God.  I know how much a breakup can make you feel so outside of yourself and make you do things you wouldn’t normally do so I desperately wanted to give women back the gift of themselves.

In the breakup industry, so many people sell products to women about how to get their EX back.  They teach the “right” words to text to get his attention, how to create desire and get him to call you back.  Even great techniques, like the 30 Day No Contact Rule are taught as ways to sweat him out and get him to reach out to you.

However, getting the gift of yourself means doing things to get yourself back, not to get your EX back.  Even if a relationship is restored, a breakup means something was wrong in the relationship.  So, the relationship is either dead, with no means for recovery, or dead with the need to be resuscitated.  Either way, it’s not just about creating desire in your EX or sending him the right text message.  It’s about figuring out if the relationship is the right relationship and if being with him makes you into your best self.

While dating, I often found myself in the wrong relationship trying to make it right.  Those relationships would cause struggle in my relationship with God.  So, when the relationships ended, sometimes I would feel reluctance in approaching God.

Even with these feelings, I found refuge in God and I believe this is because the moments of my breakups were clear moments of vulnerability.  They were the moments I approached God with the most humility, openness and willingness to grow and change and this has always benefitted my relationship with God.

I’ll use this experience, as well as what I’ve learned from going through counseling to guide you through how to get over your breakup and deal with the breakup pain you’re experiencing right now.

1.Acknowledge what you’re feeling.

During the next few months, you’re going to go through a lot of emotions.  Some of them will wash over you like a wave and they will be overwhelming.  Some times you’ll feel like you’re just gulping for air, and you may not feel like you’re going to survive it.  Other days, you may just want to crawl into the darkness of your closet and not come out because you’re so overcome by sadness and feelings of worthlessness.  

Don’t be scared of these emotions.  Don’t give into the emotions.  They represent something you feel or something you fear, but they are not you.  You will be especially empowered to deal with them when you can anticipate they’re coming.

As a Christian, one of the ways I deal with fear is through my relationship with God.  So many times in the Bible, the characters in the Bible are told not to be afraid.  Other times, they’re encouraged not to worry or to feel anxious.  God knew that life on this earth would be tough so He warned us in advance not to be afraid.

So as you’re going on this journey, give yourself the space and the grace to feel what you’re feeling, whether it’s happiness or sadness or breakup pain or anger, or loneliness.  Acknowledge what you’re feeling.  

Avoidance (I’ve learned the hard way) is one of the worst things you can do to yourself.  Just because you pretend it’s not there doesn’t make it go away.  So, acknowledge and deal with what you’re feeling.

2. Allow yourself to feel simple comforts that will make you feel better in the short term

Do you ever feel exhausted from trying to feel better and speed up the healing process?  You’re a smart woman!  You know that it takes time for your heart to heal, but people keep saying it over and over and over again.  “Give it time.  Time heals all wounds.”

Unfortunately, you can’t control time.  You can’t speed up this part of your life and skip to the part when it doesn’t hurt so bad.  So what you need right now, is something to control.  You need some way to experience comfort right now.  You need something to soothe your pain and help you ease the craziness you feel inside.

I want to share a few things that have worked for me when I experienced a breakup or even now when I feel like life is overwhelming – simple comforts that help me feel better in the short term.

Deep Breathing with Cinnamon Apple Spice Tea

Right now, deep breathing with Cinnamon Apple Spice Tea is the truth for me!  I discovered it randomly while…while staying at my dad’s house, I noticed he had three boxes of tea (pictured below). I’m not a huge tea fan, but while at his house, I was experiencing some anxiety and I remembered my brother told me before to drink a cup of tea.  So, I decided to try it to see if it could help me calm down.

Someone else had recommended that I try to do some deep breathing to help me calm down.  They said deep breathing (think 4 counts in and 8 counts out) can help settle your nervous system and reset it back to a normal level.

So about this tea + deep breathing.  I started breathing in deeply and I happened to have my cup of tea right in front of me, and it really helped me to slow down my breathing and in turn to slow down my life.  Each long breath in was filled with the savoury aroma of cinnamon goodness – and cinnamon gives me good memories of my childhood.  This combo has been lifesaving for the last few days.  If you wanna give it a go, try the Celestial Seasonings Cinnamon Apple Spice kind (though I’m sure it’d be wonderful with whatever flavour tea tickles your fancy.  I’m definitely going to stock up and take some back home with me.

Deep breathing to help deal with breakup pain 

3. Understand why you’re feeling such intense pain 

If you’re wondering, yes! The pain is real.  During a time like this, it can be natural to question what you’re feeling and wonder if something is seriously wrong with you.

You may ask yourself why you don’t feel like sleeping or eating or getting dressed in the morning.  You may wonder why it seems to actually hurt!  I want to assure you that you’re not going crazy.  Your senses are not off.  Your body is processing the pain the best way it knows how.

Did you know that your body registers emotional pain in a similar way to how it registers physical pain? So, the pain you feel is real and your body is responding to it the same way it would if you had sustained a physical injury.

4. Allow yourself to press pause and take a break from what you’re feeling

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to take a breakup from the intensity of the emotions of the situation and this means giving yourself some space from your EX.

From past experiences, I know that one of the most natural things for many of us to do after a breakup is to run to our EX to get answers, get comfort or even to bargain and try to get the relationship back.  But the best thing we can do is to move away from the intensity of the flames of the relationship and retreat to a safe place.

Some people call this time 30 days of no contact, and it can be useful for a variety of reasons, but the most important reason is to give yourself a fresh start and to give your heart some space to heal.

5. Use this time to reinvent yourself

Some might see a break-up as a negative thing, but when you experience a break up, you have the opportunity to hit the pause button and re-evaluate what you’re looking for.

While there will be many times that you feel lonely and all alone, this is an opportunity to reconnect with who you are, with old friends and with God.

Pause from all the of rush and busyness of your life to learn to balance love and life.

6. Deal with your emotional health – 

Breaking up can be a really emotional time.  Lots of ugly crying, tissues, nose dripping…I get it.

It’s like a death  in your life.  So you may want to get some counseling to deal with it and other things that may need addressing.

Eventually when you’re ready and your heart is healed, you’ll be able to head out and love again.  Don’t feel pressure to do this sooner than you can deal with it and process it.

7. Take Back Your Power

Break-ups make us feel powerless.  

Why not take back your power?

 

 

 

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27 Responses

  1. Tiffany says:

    Rachel this blog is so inspirational for those who have recently gone through a break up. Thank you for creating and sharing!

    • Rai says:

      Thanks for reading Tiffany! I hope it helps someone who’s going through a hard time see a light at the end of a dark tunnel!

      • Laure says:

        I hope I can one day see the light again. He just left without a word. Just gave me the silent treatment and left. The world is very dark right now…

        • Rob says:

          Im sorry to read how u feel,the all most thing happened to me as well,we got to move above,the water or we will sink

        • Rai says:

          Laure, I’m sorry to hear this! It’s hard when you don’t get the closure you need to process it and move on. Laure, you CAN see the light again! You don’t need to let him have all the power and decide whether or not you see light. Choose to see light and to move forward. You don’t need to have all the answers right now, you just need to put one foot in front of the other, day after day after day and eventually, you’ll see the light again!

  2. Gavyn says:

    Thx rai this helped alot

  3. Karen says:

    My boyfriend and I broke up cause of his family they accused me of cheating on him but I was not my boyfriend never stuck up 4 me and he also accused me too he believes his family and not me 😥😥😥😖😖😖😞😞😞😢😢😢😢😢😭😭😭😭😭😭

    • Rai says:

      Hi Karen,

      I’m sorry to hear what happened with your boyfriend and his family. It’s hard because when we’re in relationships we’re dating the person and their family. It would be so much simpler if it was just the person we love. In the long run – if you were to get married – being part of that family is significant. You’re kinda stuck with them. So in some ways, you’re getting a taste of what that would be like in this situation. It’s not nice when someone who knows you really well just stands there while others are accusing you. You want to have trust in the relationship. Is this a relationship you feel has a long-term future? What are you doing now? Are you trying to convince your boyfriend to get back with you?

    • ashley says:

      so i dated this guy name brandon for almost a year and he was my first love, then to come to find out he was very physically abuse towards me. i had to break up with because i had to take him to court for what he did. right after i broke up with him i was so happy to be single but this great guy came into my life. we hit it off instantly. the guy brandon kept trying to come back up into my life even though it’s illegal for him too, he was making my other boyfriend believe things. we ended up just breaking up, i broke up with him but we were going to talk it out the next day but he stopped answering me and just completely left. the guy wasn’t treating me that well, he’d sometimes put his hands on me too and i think it’s because he was abused so he’d use it on me. my heart is still shattered because i never got my goodbye. i just wonder what i do to move on and start fresh it’s my first time being single in 2 years.

  4. VALLERIE HINOJOSA says:

    How to do forget or move on how do u let go cause right now I feel like shit sorry for the language and the bad part I last talked to him today and he told me the truth why he broke up with me and it hurt I don’t want to miss him I want to hate him so the feelings I have for him die

    • Rai says:

      Vallerie, you will probably never forget…and it will be challenging to move on. It’s a process. It took a long time to become so attached to him and it will take just as long to become unattached. I won’t lie to you and tell you you’re going to instantly be over him. It’s not the case. Are you on my mailing list? I can journey along with you in the process of allowing your heart to heal.

  5. Michael says:

    Hey i am in 7th grade and my girlfriend broke up with me the problem is i really love this girl and i cant stop crying can you please help me.

    • Rai says:

      Hi Michael,

      Sorry that you’re hurting right now. I can imagine how much you’re feeling right now and if it’s your first love it’s even more overwhelming. Make sure you surround yourself wiht people who care about you and remind you what’s special and great about you. Try to remember the things you really like about her. Remember, just because she broke up with you, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

  6. My boyfriend decided we brake up and start fresh as friends he says we don’t have any foundation he says we’re always arguing and I always bring up old news about him being in contact with other females but I honestly tried being friends I can’t take this torture any longer

  7. Jamilah Falero says:

    I’m hurting so bad right now and need to talk to someone

    • Rai says:

      Hi Jamilah,

      It won’t hurt like this forever. You’re going to get thorough this moment in life. I believe you’re strong and you’ll have the tools to make it to the other side. I’m going to reach out to you at your e=-mail address!

  8. Denise says:

    I need help asap, i’m going through the motions right now.

  9. Christi says:

    Rai, I broke up with my boyfriend on 10/1/2017, and I still thin about him and I miss him dearly, our break-up came because we were having issues and I asked him countless times to talk to me and he never would so I broke off the relationship. I have some many questions of why and what happened, I was always around his family and we were together a lot. When will the pain stop , we were together almost a year, and the holidays are right around the corner and I keep thinking of the first Thanksgiving and Christmas we spent together. I am hurting so bad and the tears seem to not stop, I have good day and bad days. Help me.

  10. Tee says:

    The pain I’m feeling is so bad that I feel that I might snap..I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and held him down through not working for three years. Now he has a new job that started a month ago and he is ghost doesn’t want to talk about the future and insults me in front of his family. I’m so hurt by his actions and feel he’s seeing someone else. We were together every day now it’s barely once a week. He says it’s the job but I no different. My heart is broken I supported him through all his rough times and now that my contract ended on my job and he just got one he’s treating me like I’m not worth anything.

    • damian Witherspoon says:

      My ex was over weight. I supported her. She wanted surgery and I didn’t want her to do it. I was worried about her health. I even cleaned her when she couldn’t clean herself. She left me. I’m really hurt over it. I dunno how to stop thinking about her. I made a bad mistake and lied to her when I 1st met her. N i wish I didnt. She never got over it. I made a mistake and really said sorry and tried to explain but she never forgave me. I feel horrible. I guess time will help. I feel like I’m dead inside.

    • damian Witherspoon says:

      Sorry 4 your pain and loss. You know who is really on your side when they no longer need u.

  11. damian Witherspoon says:

    My ex was over weight. I supported her. She wanted surgery and I didn’t want her to do it. I was worried about her health. I even cleaned her when she couldn’t clean herself. She left me. I’m really hurt over it. I dunno how to stop thinking about her. I made a bad mistake and lied to her when I 1st met her. N i wish I didnt. She never got over it. I made a mistake and really said sorry and tried to explain but she never forgave me. I feel horrible. I guess time will help. I feel like I’m dead inside.

  12. Bri says:

    It’s hurt so bad I don’t want to do anything

  13. L says:

    I got out of a horrible marriage about 4 years ago and tried dating a little, but had no luck so i gave it a rest. My friend i had know for 10 years confessed he had a crush on me…i alwaus did too so we started dating. He was the kindest, most romsntic loving person id ever dated, and i fell hard. Problem is, he is still friends with his ex girlfriend. They broke up 13 years ago, but still work together. She is very abusive and controlling with him and she didnt want us dating. She eventually concinced him to break up with me. It was the hardest breakup ever, because i could tell he didnt want to. Im so hurt because this is the best relationship I’ve ever had, but i have to let it to because hes not strong enough to stand up to her. I felt like he was my match…its so hard…

  14. Anthony says:

    Just ended an 11 year marriage because found out my wife was cheating on me with our neighbor. Living a lone now and some days are OK and others are depressing as all hell! Its been two weeks and I still can’t just have a normal day, but I read this stuff from all these great people who are feeling the same way I am and really helped. Im trying to just reinvent myself and move on…sucks though!! I wish you all the best! Thanks Rai

  15. jeane says:

    I lost my husband this year in February I was dating him at 15 yrs. old and married him at 16yrs old that was so hard we have four kids together and I started talking to this man and he would talk to me anytime I needed I could cry to him he helped me so much and we decided to see if there something there and was wonderful I felt happy and alive well he thinks I cheated because of a text on my phone but I didn’t cheat I didn’t want nobody else he made me so happy I never stood up for myself until him he made stronger but he broke up with me over a month ago and I can’t get him out of my head I see his smile the way he walked talked smelled his touch. and the last time I saw him I just wish he would let me prove myself.

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