5 Reasons You Should NEVER Beg Your Ex to Stay With You
I’m ashamed to admit it but I stayed WAY TOO long in some dead relationships. I should have let those joints go weeks, months and in one case years earlier. When I think back on it, I just shake my head at myself.
I won’t say that I begged, but I do remember giving really convincing reasons why the two of us would make a good pair. And at the time, I really believed it. I had invested in the relationship(s) up until that point so naturally I was so distraught when they ended all of a sudden.
But looking back, I can see the EXACT moment when I should have let go. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to just LET GO!
But since I can’t, I want to tell you what I would have told my younger self. Take it for what it’s worth to you.
Here are my 5 reasons why you shouldn’t BEG your ex to stay with you….or do any kind of convincing for that matter.
1. You should only want to be with someone who wants to be with you
We all want to be wanted. In fact, it’s the baseline for a relationship. It’s a no-brainer. It’s not even the kind of thing you brag to your friend back home about. It just is. At minimum, you hope the person you choose to love chooses to love you back.
If your ex wants to be with you, you won’t have to beg, convince or cajole. It may be that he doesn’t have it all figured out yet, and he’s in the middle of deciding, but you’re not the defense counsel. You don’t have to make your case. If he can’t see your benefit clearly in his mind, then give him the space to figure it out or to completely let you go.
If you’ve clearly stated what you want, you can rest assured that the man knows. He’s aware of where you stand, and he hasn’t forgotten since you told him yesterday. Sometimes, we think by convincing we’re helping our ex make a decision about us, but often times that decision is not the one we’re rooting for.
So if he’s calling it quits, say more power to you and give him the space to experience his decision. This isn’t to say the relationship won’t be renewed, but if it does, let it happen in a different way than you try to make him believe.
2. When you beg or try to convince, you give up your power
Whether you realise it or not, you’re powerful, and in every friendship, relationship and business acquaintanceship you have some power. However, when you start pulling someone to stay while they’re pulling away to go, you inevitably lose a little bit of power.
Even though it feels counterintuitive, when your ex starts pulling away, let go. Let him know that he can have all the space he wants. You’re not going to stop him because of reason #1 – “You should only want to be with someone who wants to be with you.”
Again, if you’ve stated your position and told him how you feel, he knows. You don’t need to keep pulling and pulling and pulling to get him to stay. All you’ll do is put more and more power into his hands, and he may eventually wield that power against you.
Keep your power in tact by respecting his decision and stepping back. Even if the two of you don’t get back together, you’ll always leave him wondering how you were able to let go so easily. He’ll wonder what else you’ve got going on. He’ll wonder if you care. And then instead of being the one doing the pulling, you may end up being the one that’s being pulled – creating a bit of a power shift.
This isn’t to say the relationship will work out again, but it will keep your heart in tact, and you won’t have to watch all of your power slip through your fingers like a handful of sand at the beach.
3. Begging and convincing your ex steals a bit of your dignity
To go along with point #3, as you lose your power, you may also lose a sense of dignity. Because you’re begging or convincing your ex to make the relationship work, you may start wondering about your self-worth. You may begin to wonder “What’s wrong with me?” and question who you are.
In the absence of getting the feedback you want, you may start losing a hold on the relationship and as a result you may start grasping tighter and tighter and tighter. Even after your ex says no you may continue trying to maintain the relationship. And even though you can feel the relationship is over, you may keep pursing it. As this happens you may slowly feel your dignity being stolen away from you and as you start losing a bit of respect for yourself, he will also lose respect for you as well.
Do don’t let yourself fall into this trap.
4. You are beautiful and precious
You must remember that you are precious so you don’t need to beg someone to be with you. In all your quirkiness, silliness and craziness, you are precious. You have to believe this. You have to live this as your reality. Your belief in this will determine how you approach your ex, and it will determine the treatment you expect.
5. When someone says something about himself, believe them
Have you ever heard that saying, “If someone tells you something about himself, believe him”? Usually we use it to talk about someone’s character. But today, I want to use it to talk about your ex.
If your ex says it’s over and he doesn’t want to continue pursuing the relationship, believe him. In doing that, you’ll allow your ex, as well as yourself, to experience what that decision feels like.
Don’t try to convince him differently from what he said, just believe him.
You don’t wanna go months past his decision and have him say he told you what he really wanted months earlier. Just believe him when he tells you what he wants from the relationship.
BONUS: What makes you successful at work doesn’t necessarily make you successful in a relationship.
One of the main reasons I had trouble letting go in past relationships is because I have this special ability to grab hold of something and not let go until it’s complete and it’s accomplished. In every other area of my life this tenacity was a valuable trait. In every other area of my life, this quality of my personality served me well. .
But I learned that this trait didn’t serve me well in the area of relationships. While I was skilled at knowing how to hold on, what I needed to learn to do was to let go.
So now, I want to ask you…
Are you desperate to be back with your ex? The relationship has ended but you believe with all your heart this is the one..if only you can get him to see it too.
You have it all worked you. The two of you would be a power couple.
You’d have beautiful babies.
You’d make music together.
All you need to do is…convince him.
All you need to do is present all of the great reasons why the two of you should be together…except it doesn’t seem to be working.
I want to encourage you to be easy. Chill out. Love you. Give him the space he’s asking for. Allow him to know what his decision feels like, and let the relationship take its natural course.
Take it from me, speaking to my younger self, you’ll feel more pride and dignity. You’ll feel more confident in the relationship going where it should, and you’ll walk away knowing in all your quirkiness, silliness and craziness that you’re precious and love is in your reach.
Until next time…
PS – If you wanna go a little bit deeper, check out what I have to say about pressing pause on your ex…